We are living in a world of softness, so light and fluffy it's a wonder we dont float away everytime we leave the house. Everything is so bloody *nice* it makes me sick. You cannot watch an ad break these days without drowning in a pool of glucose. I dont want to be sold things as though I am a child by talking rabbits or lured into a false sense of security that "Smileys" get the giggles from mechanical tickling fingers rather than the truth that thier faces are stamped, million upon million of them by a great rusty machine and then churned out by some huge smoking capitalist factory; the air in the surrounding area thick with oil, where people have to scrape the layer of fat from thier cars in the morning and all thier children are dying of obesity, thier faces so heavy with blubber that they themselves are unable to heave their muscles into a smile - the very symbol of thier downfall. The irony.
I blame Innocent Smoothies. They started all this with thier twee self referencing packaging: "hello, i am a really friendly personified product. I want you to feel really great about yourself and will use all the most patronising words i can find to entice you into buying me. We will be the best of pals and ill see you everyday as part of your Boots meal deal, making you healthier and more able to cope with your joyless life. But if i ever, EVER see you buy a Boots own brand Smoothie, with thier formal and factual packaging that gives you just INFORMATION, I will hunt you down....i swear to god i will". In fact, I promise to buy which ever product is sold with the tagline "buy this or die bitch" spelt out in the blood leaking from the severed head of a lamb. it would be a blessed relief. Even if the product in question is lamb and it means eating lamb (which i dont want to do because they are so CUUUUUTE!).
Twee is the virus left over by the 90s plague that was "Kooky". Kooky is a word that hates true eccentrics. Kooky people are generally women who are so normal they have constructed some woolen alter ego for themselves which is far more annoying than the person they actually are. Kooky people will usually act like children and thier cupboards will be laden with the products described above. They will lose weekends baking, updating their twitter pages with pictures of themselves shrugging covered in flour. Flour that you know they have purposefully dredged themselves in just to appear more bumbling in the kitchen: "oh I'm such a klutz, my cake is all lumpy bumpy but will be delishness". This scene is beautifully captured in the new Lurpac advert, where some adult/child hybrid tiptoes round her kitchen smiling softly to herself as she clumsily puts together a chocolate cake. If this was real life and that girl was really having trouble making a basic cake she would not be smiling. She would have spent 45 minutes sobbing and slapping herself in the face muttering "idiot, idiot, idiot", falling to the ground to shake for an hour before crawling over to the preheated electric oven to lay her head in it, recalling this tale later with laughter: "and i didnt realise it needed to be a GAS oven and lived! oh im so blonde!"
I wrote most of this blog whilst at a gig where i was infruiated to be confronted with yet another twee-nonsense female acoustic songstress with uniform elfin haircut singing about bubbles. yes. really. Everyone loved her,thought she was lovely and unique. Except me, who typed this blog with my thumb whilst my other hand pulled tufts of my hair out to stuff into my ears. There are so many female acts like this nowadays. Why have women started turning themselves into cutesy morons? If they arent rubbing thier breasts together on the cover of nuts and zoo, they are skipping about like little girls. But maybe the latter is the consequence of the former. Women have become so sexualised in recent years that maybe some are running, chintz and all, to the hills where sex doesnt exist and they can remain young and innocent forever. By acting ditzy and quirky they are essentially relegating themselves to a social role where sex rarely bothers them and they do not need nor are encouraged to accept things that affect the adult world. I think this is probably the case and as a result the traditional symbol of sexual shunning -The Smelly Old Cat Women is evolving into The Sunshine Scented Kitten Loving Fluff Pot. Still cant decide which is worse.
Amazing, I have managed to link a five a day aid to the downfall of feminism. *shakes fist at smoothie.