Death, Love and Cliches.

Picture by Nettsu

Four years ago tonight my dad died.  This is a fact. It is "something about me". It is a "defining moment" in my life.  It is something I think about everyday. It is what makes and breaks me.

The night it happened was the worst night imaginable.  The pain that coursed through our family was immense. It came like a tsunami and it drowned us.  For days and days and days we bobbed about in the aftermath in absolute danger of turning into ghosts ourselves.  This huge character that bound us together, that was absurd and brilliant, a pain and a know-it-all had simply vanished.  One minute he was there, the next he wasn't. Simple as that.

But I am not the only person to have ever lost someone and do not want to claim bereavement as "my thing". I will be eternally grateful for my friends at that time, the ones who knew when and how to talk about it.  The friends who stopped me with all their might from becoming "The Girl Whose Dad Just Died".  They resuscitated me with coffee, odd days out and blissful silences.  But when you lose someone you love throughout your soul you have to become an expert on how to cope otherwise that soul is in danger of shrivelling up.  It is a lesson you learn whether you know it or not.  Death, like love, is hounded by cliches, but I'm not ashamed to tell you that time does heal.

And the best medicine to aid the healing process? Oh yes, it's laughter. 

This was a hard lesson to learn and one I resisted as long as possible.  I don't think I even spoke coherent sentences for a while and as for laughing, it was something I was sure could never happen again.  My wonderful sister had other ideas.  At first I couldn't understand how she could buzz about still smiling, being charming to people.  She didn't seem to be feeling what I was.  But of course she was.  She was hit by the same waves and hurt in the same way.  But she understood my dad and knew that she needed to be like him.  I witnessed my dad loose his mother and brother.  He allowed himself one day on both occasions to sit mutely in his chair.  The next morning he came back.  He realised life was about the living and that we needed him to give the ok to the light and laughter.  My sister knew this too and I bow to her wisdom and thank her for calling out to us as we floundered in the shallows.

It is not a suprise to me then, that when I eventually did reach the shore I sought out the one person I knew would have me laughing for the rest of my life.  The one person I can be completely myself around.  I can be irrational, over the top, pathetic and embarrassing and this person takes it all in his stride. He sees through everything I would otherwise hide.  He keeps me afloat each day by filling my life with nonsense and comedy.  He does this unflinchingly and no matter how hard I try and plunge into a depression he just won't let me.  He may be miserable himself, he may be tired but making me happy is at the top of his to-do list. This is as close to unconditional love as you will find outside a bloodline and I adore it.  Hope and survival doesn't just rely on you finding someone like this, but it helps.  I cannot underplay how much this person's role in my life has enabled me to get up in the mornings, to get on with things and to bloody well allow myself happiness.

The one thing I will always regret is that my dad never got to meet Martin, but I won't dwell on it.  I know that the pair of them would have been firm friends and my dad would be full of thanks.  This is a fact.

Those Who Dont Send Cards in June

I can remember the evening he died. He was leaning against the full draining board in the kitchen. I was watching him, his back to me clearing away the meal we had prepared together. I watched him shuffling about on his diabetic legs, captivated. I followed him about and dried, I think, about one plate. My heart was rushing with love for this man, this white haired rotund man steadying himself on the kitchen sideboards. Tears pinched my eyes as he told me about his day “A good day actually, managed to have a good hour or so snooze”. I couldn’t stop looking at him, worried for him with all my might. I was in danger of becoming the parent to this man, of reversing our roles and keeping my own troubles from him in order to make the load of his days even lighter. That selfless love consumed me with every wince that whipped across his face. I regret, that in all that emotion I did not say what I was thinking – “I love you”.

Nearly four years have passed since that night. The night I switched groups. I no longer existed in the realm with those who buy cards in June. My sister, brother and I were handed membership to another group – Those Who Don’t Send Cards in June.

It can be a bitter, jealous group. Just last year I spent Father’s day in a pit, clinging to my boyfriend’s bed not wanting to acknowledge the day. The weeks build up, cards and gift ideas start flooding the stores. You see something that would have been perfect – a card that sums him up brilliantly or a new book about the Lancaster Bomber and you chastise the manufacturer for bringing it out too late - sure that no other father would appreciate it as much as your dad would have. This year I am working in a shop and have myself lavished shelves and ordered in items to decorate The World’s Greatest Dad, fully aware that the holder of this title has long gone and the stock will remain unsold. And this year, I see them, my fellow People Who Don’t Send Cards in June. Some linger, stony faced as if the words on the signs no longer mean anything to them. Others allow a smile, brief and sweet – a tentative nod to a party they cannot attend.

The world can be brutal when it throws others lives you covet in your face. But this Sunday will allow me and my fellows a third unadulterated day this year where we can think wholeheartedly about Him. Sandwiched neatly between his two other defining dates I will swim gloriously in my dad’s memory. Dads can be excruciating, embarrassing, ignorant, shallow and insensitive. My dad could be all these things and more. But they are also true wonders for those of us lucky enough to have felt their love. My main memory of my dad is his hands. No-one had bigger hands than my dad. They fought, lit fireworks, stroked away tears and fixed my school bag a million times (I only needed one bag throughout my time at secondary school). In his 60s his hands told all he needed to tell, split knuckles and shaded by car oil my dads hands were a mans hands. Even when they were fumbling to tidy dishes on their last day on this earth, they could still slay a dragon if I insisted one lurked under my bed. As the man attached to those hands slipped away that night they still remained one of the greatest things about him.

Cherish every card you place in your dad’s hands. And if you feel the urge to say something he might find “daft” just say it.