Last Night's Apprentice 2

It's Apprentice time again *rubs hands together. Oh how I love it!

In this week's episode our band of ex bankers and "entrepreneurs" were tasked with coming up with a beach accessory. Shaking things up a bit L'Sugar put Stella "possible winner" English into the boy's team and from the point she nestled the PM cap on, Team Synergy became "Stella and Her Boys". A rather more apt name I think.  Team Apollo was headed up by Laura "I hate books and reading and books" Moore who goes from pretty to scary depending on whether she is standing inside or out.  

There were the usual brainstorming sessions where the cupboards at the back of people's head let forth with all kinds of wonders.  Shibby Robati and his childlike delivery of The Big Hand Sun Tan Lotion Applier was just so touching I found myself placing orders in the thousands whilst the girl's fumbled about trying to reinvent the sock.  Foot-Glove anyone?  Though they may not have taken The Big Hand to market, Stella and Her Boys came up with the Cuuli (coolie), a unique towel/pillow/icebox device perfect for keeping those drinks cool and storing your life saving insulin. The girls meanwhile bickered and pulled each other's hair a bit.  Joanna Riley being the only person to come up with anything that wasn't totally rubbish- a book stand.   A perfectly reasonable idea I thought, OK you can already buy book stands, but there really wasn't anything else coming from anyone. The way Laura reacted to this idea made me worry for her. Such strange, out and out refusal to go with it.  I can only imagine that some horror has befallen her in the past.  Some massive book shaped terror that shakes her from her sleep at night.  But, they went for it and after hours of sniping they were left with just 10 minutes to design something.  What they designed seemed to be a tiny tent. 

Back with Stella and Her Boys, the latter desperately trying to turn the former into an FHM fantasy by encouraging her to get down and sandy by modelling their towel.  The horror that befell Stella's face is the same look that is usually exhibited by any women confronted by a boys idea of a photo shoot involving swimwear that they describe as "not slutty".  But it was her or Alex Epstien, so I for one am glad she laid down any feminist sensibilities and "took one for the team" COOOOORR!

Once both products were produced it was time to pitch.  I take a sickening pleasure in watching other people pitch things.  There is nothing I would dread doing more, and I drink in every moment of knowing that someone else is having to do it and I'm not. Melissa Cohen was in charge of pitching for the girls and actually said the following words:

• Applicability
• Comfortability
• Built into your end user

Don't know about you, but she can leave my end user well alone.  Stella and Her Boys did well, after Chris Bates recovered from his little tantrum about being overlooked for the pitch role in favour of Jaime Lester.  But their pitch lacked something, what was it? Oh yes! A massive ugly cardboard box filled with sand! Good one girls! Those heals and that box of sand, should have earned the girls applause for coming away with a full set of functioning ankles. But it was in front of (the really really scary, who knew?!) women from Boot's that Laura and her utter hatred of books and resulting self destructive tendencies took over  and she blew it by refusing exclusivity to the largest flipping chemist in the world ever. There are TWO Boot's on my road alone.  But thankfully Melissa was there to break the stunned silence with another one of   those words:

• Fabulous

Well done Melissa, think you saved it.

She hadn't.  Come the boardroom and L'Sugar broke the news that Apollo had broken Apprentice records by securing no orders (yes Stewart, on a calculator that's 0).  Stella and Her Boys shifted a measly 100 which is probably why they were punished with a round of golf.  Left bereft the Apollo girls screamed and shouted at each other and as Karren "Margaret" Brady rather rousingly put it, let down a generation of aspiring business women by behaving like school ground bitches.  And we all know the prey of the school ground bitch is the quiet girl, and here that quiet girl was Joy Stefanicki.  I will always stick up for the quiet girl in the room, but Joy bless her was so silent throughout that in some scenes she appeared almost see-through. When she did speak it was just to say "sorry", every utterance of the word making my heart break for her.  Joy wasn't built for this Room of Board and I'm glad L'Sugar's finger dispatched her quickly.  It was the kindest thing to do.

Last night's episode was an altogether less interesting affair than the first.  Mainly because the most irritating from episode 1 were either fired or muted.  I for one will miss Dan Harris, we can only imagine what cringing and awful substances may have flowed from him.  But, where was Stewart "The Brand" Baggs? Oh Stewart, that horrid little face you pulled in the board room last week has haunted my dreams for a week.  Unfortunately I think the calculator moment will become an infamous scene this series and will be repeated and repeated much to my eyes dismay. Even his profile picture on The Apprentice website is like a school photo of a bully:

Tough guy huh? Prove it, be more awful next week!

Right, I'm off to make a Big Hand Sun Cream Applier....where's the fish slice?